Since flooding started, I've been waiting....
Have u ever felt dejected when I dun reply ur message?
My reply needs only u to wait a few hours at most. I had been waiting for ur replies for weeks, and I still had to wait....
Do you know the feeling of being avoided by anyone you cared?
It felt terrible.... It feel like u r not welcomed..... The more I talk to you when you are avoiding me, the more I feel like I'm being hated.....
Do you know the feeling of not getting concern from the person you love most, when you needed them the most?
I'm sure that's a yes..... U dun tell me your problems, and when you do, its in your blog. Sometime I check, sometime I dun. I get bored quickly, that's a Sagi's trait, you dun update them, I dun go in see. So sometime I dunno. U usually get some concern from me only that they are slow. Sometime you lose temper liao then I know. But me? I get scolded for trying to get you to show any concern. I had to keep everything to myself. It's even harder to show more concern when you dun get any urself and was feeling dejected. I have problems too. The world dun just revolves around you.
Do you know the feeling of being punished for nothing you've done wrong?
You kept telling me its not my fault. It felt like I am being put into prison for another person's crime. It would be better if you put all the blame on me, tell me where I'm wrong and that's why you do this to me. It would be so easy for me to give you up. Instead, put me through hell for more than a month. I could have tell myself "I am so wrong, I'm not good enough for you" instead of "why did she treat me like this? what did I do wrong to deserve this?"
Do you know the feeling of not given a choice, opinion not asked, when you would be directly involved by this opinion that someone is making for you?
Have you ever asked my opinion at all for all your choices? Every choices you made are against my will. It felt like being mentally rape by you. My feelings, my ideals, my emotions. You always choose to do things in discrete, and think that you think it's the best for everyone else. You don't ask what others prefer. Plain selfish. Selfish level maximum. Dun think your parents dunno if I never go look for them. They knew. They were upset that you dun tell them, but they understand your characteristics of always keeping everything to yourself. They knew we were over le, but they dunno why. Ur mom heard from your cousins, she chose not to believe. Ur dad suspected when u asked him to buy house with you, and when I came back and chose to stay at my own place, he confirmed. Dun think everyone else is an idiot. By doing that, you are the only idiot. Ur decisions does not affect you and you alone. It hurts others too.
Do you know the feeling of being lied to once and again?
U claimed you hate lies, yet you are the biggest lie yourself. Tell me you accept my proposal of a chance, then tell me you cannot accept them. Tell me you already accepted them when you found out I was down, give me reasons such as u were sick and something dirty got into you. Then continue to avoid me, and break up with me. Tell me that loving me was tiring. Then after asked me to patch back. Made me happy, when I go back SG, tell me you dun want to reconcile. Tell me the same reason of marriage, tell me the same shitty reason, added that you will still be stressed even if I accept your terms. Its one of the reason I dun lie, because it hurts others. Yet I got lied to.
Do you know the feelings of being alone?
The feeling of having nowhere to go. The feeling of dunno what to do. That feeling of nothing to look forward to. I had this when I was in Singapore the last trip. Many times I kept thinking that I am a waste of space, resource, and money in Singapore. My existence was not important there. I imagined myself falling from the 12th floor of my block many times. When I walked to Singapore river, I imagined myself falling into the river and drowned. When I waited for the traffic light at the junction, I imagined myself jumping out to meet a high speed vehicles. Thought of climbing the barrier and jump onto the train track when waiting for the MRT. The most stupid one is seeing the wall of my own bedroom, I imagined myself running and diving towards the wall. The only thing that kept me sane was just that I still have my family that loves me. I would be a disappointment to them just like you were to me. I love them, I dun want to be this disappointment to them.
Do you know the feeling of doing something against ur will?
I didn't want to go up and see your parents. I had this struggle with myself before going up. On one hand, I don't want to go against you, on the other hand, I cannot just disappear out of their lives. I had to do it before saturday, before I disappoint them for not turning up for lunch, and I know the best time to go up is noon when everyone's home. It was Friday noon when I saw them.
Do you know the feeling of being scolded by people for being unable to move on?
I was scolded by my fren, by ur fren, by u. All because I didn't want to let you go. The most painful one was by ur best fren. I doubt I would be able to face her ever again.
Do you know the feeling of having to watch a movie alone?
Do you know the feeling of wanting to go to KTV all alone?
Do you know the feeling of overcoming your biggest fear in life, the fear of death?
Have you done something illegal just so I could get your mind off loving someone?
I would like to do all these back to you, so you would understand the pain, but I cannot. I am not that cruel. After all I have done for you, U still so cruel to me..... I lost my frens for love, now love had gave up on me.... No matter how much you apologize, it will never make up for the pain I went through...
No matter what you did to me, I had hopes of reconciling. I wished and I dreamed that one day, you would walk towards me, and tell me u r sorry for all you did, and wants me to go back to you. I wished that you would tell the world you love me, like how I tell everyone I see how much in love I'm with you and how I cannot get over you.
I know my wish would never happen. It's all over. It's not that I don't want to wait, but the more I wait, the more pain I feel. I really dun want to think about death everytime I see an option to commit suicide. The reason for death is just so I could find out how you really felt about me.... very stupid..... So I will choose a selfish decision this time, until my wish comes true.
